Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Holy Shit (and various other bodily fluids)

Have you any idea how many bodily fluids I come in contact with on a daily basis???

Between my career as a nurse and my life as a mother, things gets pretty messy. At the end of any given day, you can tell exactly what my kids have eaten by the stain patterns of my clothes. I generally don't even bother putting any effort into getting dressed these days. Partly because by the time I have dressed the kids, I am so exhausted I could give a rat's ass about how I look. But also because I know that within thirty seconds of getting dressed I will be likely be sporting puke, shit and pee stains.

I am totally OK with this. I know it is one of those parts of motherhood that is rarely talked about (I mean...why would you WANT to talk about it??). But I will say, when I see a mother walking around in expensive clothes, a coach bag, and her hair actually washed, all I can think to myself is "Bitch...who you kiddin? You know you are getting slimed at some point today anyway. Why bother? Face it...you no longer live in the world of the hip and fashionable, or even people how enjoy a daily shower." But I guess that is kind of jaded right?

So just to give you an idea of how messy a job motherhood actually is, here are a few true life scenarios I have encountered:

* A few weekends back, my sister was babysitting for me in the morning so I could sleep after working the night shift. I kid you not...literally thirty seconds after being awake I was covered in Cheeto fingerprints from Grace and puke from Patrick. My sister was amazed...and a little appalled I suspect.

* One time I realized I was tracking poop through my house. It was on my sneakers. No, I had not stepped in dog poop as one would suspect. I had accidentally, somehow stepped in a dirty diaper. I was tracking Patrick poop around the house. I know it sounds weird. but other moms can back me up on this...I know it.

* I have actually picked my kids nose. If I see a bat in the cave, I can't just in good conscience leave it there!

* I became obsessed over my kids pooping habits when Grace was just a baby suffering from constipation issues (I am sure that ten years from now, she will be thrilled I blogged about her bowel habits. I am considering it payback for the terrible twos.) Because of this obsession, you can generally hear a conversation like this in my house on most days "Did Grace poop today? What did it look like?" And yup...this is totally a conversation over dinner.

* One day, I changed SIX poopy diapers in thirty minutes. My children took turns pooping, getting changed, pooping, getting changed. They were totally conspiring against me. To which I very rationally exclaimed "THIS BETTER BE IT...NEXT KID TO POOP CHANGES THEMSELVES"

* OK, seriously...I couldn't make this up!!! In the time it has taken me to write this blog, Grace has pooped twice.

Even more interesting to me...the loss of inhibition you have over dealing with OTHER kids various excrement. I have wiped other kids boogies, changed diapers, been puked on. When you are in a group of moms and kids, the crowd develops the "everyone just dive in and help out" mentality. Really, whether it's your kid or not... poop is poop, puke is puke. Wise words to live by.

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