So last week, Pat had to take a business trip to the Cape. He convinced me it would be super fun to bring the kids down and treat it as a "mini vacation".
Mommy lesson #8 - There is no such thing as a "vacation" with kids. The two just can't coexist. Well, not without two or three live in nannies and an excessive amount of alcohol.
So I decide to be a good mama, and give this whole vacation thing a try. Even though my sensible, logical side SCREAMED out in rebellion as I spent SIX hours packing for only two nights. But the side of me that wants to be supermom, and give my kids beautiful memories of a fun-filled childhood won. And I totally blame her for the chaos that ensued.
I woke up early that morning, ran down my lists of things that needed to come with us - bottles, formula, toys, clothes, snacks, medicines in case of emergency, the Pack and Play, extra blankets, cell phone chargers, pacifiers, lovey blankets, valium for mommy...etc. etc. etc. I fed kids, packed the car, packed said kids in the car and took off for our family vaca.
Much to my delight, the kidlets passed out in the car. I actually rode most of the way in silence. This was a wonderful beginning to my vacation. I could totally deal with this. After about an hour and a half and an extra large ice coffee later, I had pulled off the highway and was en route to our hotel. And then it happened....
Holy shit...I had to pee. It was the worst I had ever had to pee in my entire life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sweating, about to pee my pants and I was driving frickin' back country roads. There wasn't a gas station, not a restaurant, nothing! Even if I did find somewhere to pull over...the kids were sleeping. And if I woke them up, they would be crying. Then I would have to drive another 30 minutes with screaming kids. And quite frankly, even if I did find a public restroom, the pee situation was so severe, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get the kids out of their carseats fast enough before I peed my pants. But I did have a travel potty....
Do I really have to spell it out for you people??!?! Yes, I peed in my daughter's travel potty while pulled over on the side of the road. No big deal! And, no, I am not ashamed. It's called improvising, people. And I was relieved (physically and emotionally) and rode the rest of the way with sleeping kids.
Anyway...after another half hour or so, and with kids who are now awake, hungry and crying, I pulled up to our hotel. Actually, I pulled up to our COUNTRY CLUB!!! A country club?!?!?! This can't be right. That stupid navigation system must have malfunctioned. Did I seriously just pull up to a ritzy country club in a ten year old car filled with McDonalds wrappers, dirty diapers and two babies? A man came up to the car, and said "Welcome, ma'am. I'm Eddie and I'll be taking care of you today. May I take your bags and valet your car?" as he peers into the backseat at my mountain of bags and screaming demon children.
"Oh, Eddie...do yourself a favor and just run."
The very nice people at this country club showed us to our room and that is when Patrick lost his mind. My poor baby just didn't know what to do with himself. If I took anything away from this trip, it was a fresh new insight into the personality of Patrick. Apparently, P man doesn't dig new places. He actually just crawled around the room wailing and looking downright pissed. The crying and whining got so bad that Grace was actually crawling around on the floor and preteding to cry. She totally mocked him.
While Patrick was busy being a terrorist, Grace actually had a really good time. She loved the hotel, the beach and all the new adventures we had. So that made me feel like I did something right. She is at the perfect age for travel and Patrick is at the worst. Ah well...such is life.
Anyway, the next three days are a little bit of a blur. There were 4:45am wake up calls from Patrick, an attempt at the beach (which ended with a very sandy and unhappy Patrick), some restaurant visits that I'd rather not talk about, some whining and tears (from me this time) and finally me packing up the kids a day early and throwing in the towel. I had had enough.
Now go ahead and ask me what my plans are for July...
a vacation down the Cape...for two weeks. Yes, seriously. But this time I am bringing reinforcements. Pat and I can't go it alone. I am bringing the troops, aka aunties and uncles :-)
